Happy AND Healthy...that's my goal!

Tomorrow. It's always tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will start working out. Tomorrow, I will start eating better. Tomorrow, I will stop making excuses. Tomorrow I will start this fad diet. Tomorrow, I will fast for 7 days. Tomorrow I will hit play on that workout DVD that I have owned for 3 years. Tomorrow became my arch nemesis. Procrastination became my middle name. Something always came up, or so I thought it did. Among the many excuses were 'I don't feel good', 'I'm tired', 'I have too much homework', 'I need to get Connor out of the house and do something'. In all reality, I really am tired. The reason I am tired is because I am overweight and out of shape. It has taken me 5 years to finally be fed up.

Before I had my son, I was a svelte 145 pounds. I was healthy, active and most importantly I didn't over-eat. My first OB appointment I was 145 lbs. Over the course of my pregnancy I gained 54 pounds. At my last OB appointment I was up to 199 pounds! I had never been so heavy in my life. I had never had a problem with weight. I understood that having a 9 pound 12 ounce baby, I was bound to gain a few extra pounds and I think that subconsciously I just assumed that the weight would just fall off and I would be back to my old self within the year. I remember thinking, "My son is only 6 weeks old." and then I'd give myself a break. Then I remember thinking, "My son is only 4 months old." and then I'd give myself another break. After a year I got down to about 170 pounds without trying and then it just STAYED there. For about a year I fluctuated around the 170 mark. Then year after year it gradually started to increase. I went up to 180 for a year. Then 190 for a year. Everyone told me that I looked fine, I was so tall (5'8") that I didn't LOOK like I weighed 190 lbs. I kept thinking, "Are you people crazy?" But, I guess in some way I let it be okay because people were telling me it was okay. I used it as another excuse.

Then one day a couple of months ago, I randomly tore my rotator cuff and needed to go see the doctor. I maybe see my doctor two or three times a year. When I got called back they weighed me and I just assumed that I would see 190-195 like 'normal'. That's what I'd been seeing for the last couple of years at least. Then the numbers 210 came up. I seriously about had a breakdown in front of the girl. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I honestly barely paid attention to the rest of my appointment because all I could think was, "Wow, I am actually FAT." I texted my best friend and said, "I weigh 210 pounds! I can't believe it!" She said (and I love her so much because she is my best friend and is truly oh so supportive all the time), "Well, you did just eat a bagel sandwich right before you got there, don't worry too much about it." In the back of my mind I was thinking, "Did I eat a 20 pound bagel sandwich?" I laughed so hard at myself. Then I cried. I cried because stress, anxiety, depression and general unhappiness had all crept into my life. I had started to avoid social situations. Which is so NOT me! All I can think about is seeing people I know and instead of them looking at my face first they were looking at my stomach first. Or not looking at me at all, which was ten times worse. I get the occasional, "Oh wow, I didn't even recognize you!" Or "You look great!" with the fake smile. People don't know this about me but sometimes I will be getting ready to go out for a fun night with my friends and I will try on 2-4 different outfits and get so disgusted with myself that I will either just not show up or cancel with some excuse that I made up. Then I sit on the couch, watch a movie and eat a bag of chips. Baked chips ARE healthier for you but I doubt they intended for me to eat the WHOLE damn bag. If I do go out that is why I am always late. Because it takes me at least 1-2 hours to 'get ready'. I wonder too often what people think when they see me. "Wow, she has gained a lot of weight." Or my favorite (which I got asked this year unfortunately), "Are you pregnant?" I have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life. I actually contemplated saying yes! It would have been so much easier than saying, "No, I'm just fat."

In the end, I am a little apprehensive about talking about this for everyone to see but I think it is important for me to stop hiding behind 'upper body-only' Facebook photos, stop hiding behind my son in pictures, stop wearing sweatshirts and jackets to hide the stomach, stop wearing jeans all summer long and avoiding shorts, and most of all stop avoiding social gatherings that I love and miss so much. So, a few weeks ago I heard about this Slim in 6 program. Probably one of the nights I was up until 2 am watching infomercials. I kept thinking about it for a couple of weeks thereafter. So, I ordered it. I'm a little embarrassed, but oh well. I am more embarrassed about everything else, so it can't hurt to make a conscious decision to stop being lazy and change what I don't like. Make a lifestyle change. I hope that everyone that reads this is supportive and will encourage me. Blogging about this for everyone to see my 'dirty laundry' gives me incentive to make it happen. I am going to start a daily blog about what I am going through and what I am doing to be a happier and healthier person. This is just the beginning...wish me luck!